So I'm not going to coach this year. I'm playing. I've enrolled in an Adult Competitive Club Volleyball. So much as to say, I'm about ten years late, but what the heck. Hopefully this is where old man skills can overcome youthful spirit.

So fare two practices have come and gone by and I really need to retrain myself. I need to get use to seeing balls coming in fast and get my D's up spikes and passing on par on the serve receive. I feel my feet moving slow. My legs weak. My arms a little uncoordinated. My hit timing off. For some odd reason, my jump serve seems to be dead on...weird.

So we spent the Memorial weekend on a sudden unexpected trip to Iowa to fish the Des Moines River for a chance to catch some wipers. Ho hum, not that we were really gonna catch them, I know that much but to not be so negative about it, I'll be trying out my new Shimano system: Calcutta 7' med. fast paired with a Stella 2500 and 8 lb Fireline Crystal.

The white bass hit hard and pulled very hard. The river was raging with very fast current too, making it difficult to fish. All I see are a lot of fishermen/women mostly asians and from the conversations many were Hmong no doubt. One guy got a 20 inch wiper.

The Last Hero will retire his single-hood in just a few more days. It's time to put the mask and cape away, oops just the mask but didn't have a cape in the first place. So the days of saving the world and aiding all those maids and damsels in distress are gonna be over. There's only one lady for this hero.

It the real deal. A marriage to be. An engagement for life. Love will be what hope wants it to be.

A heroine spoke with kindness these words
Told the LastHero to sheath all his swords
All the pulling and yanking, pushing and shoving
Finding someone to do this with all the loving

Tired, so tired of everything. Ever start something, then realizing that the real work to that began with a single step is so diminutive in comparison to the entire journey and the destinations in life. Sometimes I wonder what would possess me to ever start something with only my eyes on the horizon. I find myself wondering if to start a new friendship just to destroy and old one. I may need to be a bit more selfish and think of what is beneficial to me now as I age.

Maybe I’m getting tired of saving myself, the world, the Hmong race. I should just let go of all this excess baggage. The reality of it is that I cannot. I may end up just trading baggage, maybe for even worse ones than those that I carry now. Living at the moment is great and free of guilt and weighs little on conscience. Worse advice possible but traveling through life without baggage seems likely a solution. Ah to have such faith in that the sun will always shine on you is impractical and irresponsible. It works for some if not most people who can be brainwashed by such fabrications. It’s the responsible ones that allows for the rest of the world to behave that way. To the journey...

I have a very bold thought that contradicts my thinking so far up to this point. The thought is the possibility of living together with a female companion. However living together, sleeping, waking up with another is just like being married though. Well it would be like a marriage but without the certificate or the wedding vows. If things go bad, then nasty divorce can be avoided.

I think that more and more Hmong people are going to be doing this sort of thing. As for myself, I'm beginning to consider this as also a possible option. I'm not totally sure yet, I don't like to put myself in a bad position. At the same time, I believe that to truly know a person you may need this kind of stage in a relationship too. I'm just thinking ahead, if a lady should ever ask that we live together. In the past, I would have said no way, and that we should be married. However now and lately, I'm beginning to see the merit of possibly living together as part of the foundation of trying to build a relationship rather than to go through the whole mess of things.

Learning from past mistakes is something that constantly changes a person to become a better person or more bitter towards life. I felt both but now I’ve chosen to become better. The greatest mistake that I’ve made in the past was before even making the attempt to establish a relationship with a lady I was too busy testing her. Well in effect the two of us were testing each other. So one person says one thing to another to see what there answer would be, but the wits of each person becomes an entangled mess of bait and switch tactics. However in my fault was that I was not quite ready to accept the consequences of not passing the test. I know that I was tested to show my romantic side, but I tested her to see her friendship ability. After everything was laid out practically on a table, I knew that all I had to do was say the words, “I love you.” That’s somehow I knew that it would change everything in that moment. In my own feelings, I was at my most vulnerability and that I was not quite ready for that moment of change. I was young, too young at the age of 21. Either way, it could’ve have been the greatest mistake to have said those fateful words too. I might have to live to regret it even more if the relationship was to fail. In truth the only way to be certain was really to take baby steps into further strengthening the relationship but when two people have such different perspectives into building the foundation for a relationship, it would have been a very trying relationship. Yes, my heart was definitely set on love, but love alone was not enough to salvage the relationship. We never dated, never held hands, never pursue the relationship further. It was just on hold. As static as it was, it would have ended eventually. So it did, when one summer eight years later, her brother told me that she was married. Just like that, the reality of love alone was not enough.

I’m reevaluating myself in my philosophy about love. As much as I feel the need for friendship, and when I find that in a person, I would almost want to pursue a loving relationship with them. I would automatically at first notice those flaws about the person that would make me think twice or more about how that would impact me. Although as much negative impacts or differences as I can measure, I see that but when the value of friendship wins me over, I let that seed of friendship grow.

I would like for that friendship to grow into something more. I would like for that love of friends to grow into many budding flowers. If those flowers should bloom into an intimate love, then I would truly want for that person to accept the beauty of the love that I have for them. I would show it as colorful and as sweet scented as I possibly can. Never forcing that upon them, for I want them to choose that attraction with me too. I want them to see the beauty of the love that I have saved for so long for the person who would notice it, stop by to smell the sweet fragrance of it, and then to accept it, and choose to reciprocate it back to me.

It does make me wonder why my parents always seem to have those hurtful words to say. Those are fighting words that they use. They always argue on the side of being right and absolutely correct by the whims of their notions. It's true, that they may know what they are talking about. However, they know nothing of my situation as they weren't there to witness it.
 
Always the same topic of conversation, always the same argument. Always about life, love, and marriage. Gosh, it's true I don't have much experience in that department, but the patronizing has just have to stop. I hear it once, twice, and a gazillion of times, I've shut it out. It's not that simple as they think. I've heard it, and I've no longer listening. It wears me down. I want happiness too. They don't understand that. They don't understand, what it means to be burden with sadness.

(repost)
 
I was thinking about hope and all. Hope is the weakest of all things. It is unable to conquer anything, unable to do anything, unable to change anything, yet it can survive through all things. I’ve endured all the hatred and cruelty of this world because I secretly carry this hope within me. It is a very simple hope for a better day tomorrow.
 
Hope has given me the will to live on. Hope has given me the resilience to endure. Hope has given me direction to move towards. Hope keeps my eyes open and focused on that horizon far away. Hope empowers my feet to take a step each day, whether it may be small baby steps or enormous leaping bound steps of faith. Most of all Hope shields me for nothing, but stands there throughout the tough and trying times.

(repost)
 
Again my Parents questioned me about marriage. So I still don't know what the proper answer to it is. Do I want to be married. I do, but I don't see myself with just anyone. There are a few criteria that I require in my marriage. Again, it's that relationship development. I want to have a friend, a companion, and a lover all together as one package. It's not really a want but more so a need. I need that in order to be able to make that kind of commitment. There are many candidates that I feel like I could just marry for their beauty or for their maturity. However, none of them would so much as want to be a friend at all. How come women say such things like they want a nice guy, but then they choose bad boy. Stupid liars. Stupid traditions.